The writing of this piece has come through my constant inspiration in music.
The lines "have a monkey", "sit with the devil" "walk the wire" float in my mind and all come from the album Rattlin Bones, a co-written album by Kasey Chambers and Shane Nicholson. I know here I go again with Kasey Chambers, I love her music!! This album is a constant companion and will always be!!
So we all, at some point are faced with a life changing/altering experience/challenge that will test our measure/person, that's what those above lines represent for me.
It could be cancer/losing a limb/self worth, having your heart broken/shattered your innocence taken/eroded.
For me it's living with a visual impairment and the always changing/unpredictable darkness/light. Not only do I live with an impairment I live with pending blindness/darkness. Every so often I am reminded/notice I loose a little/a lot of my sight, the dark/darkness becomes greater/darker.
I am controlled by what I see/miss, I am two people with light/dark I am not predictable/reliable. On one day I may walk on a set path that I walk each day with ease/confidence the next day I will walk with hesitation/caution because of the level of darkness/light. On day one/two I may spot you in a crowd but on either day one/two I won't see you two feet in front of me all because of the darkness/light.
Some days the world seems flat/hollow/grey/shadowed or it can be glarey/bright. Neither is a comfortable state/place. Very rarely is the world with definition/depth each moment is faced/attempted with a level of uncertainty/unpredictability.
This is tunnel vision, the flatness/world closed in state. Life/visions have to squeeze into a tube/tunnel like state/space, its like someone turns down/up the lights and you wait for your eyes to adjust, except they don't/cant. You cant run your way through the world you can only walk/stumble/feel/sense your way through it.
I'm visually impaired.
Not blind.
There is a difference/expectation. The difference/expectation is that I can see because I look/appear like I can see. But sometimes I can't. I run into things/people I trip/stumble/fall always mistakingly/misinterpreted for clumsiness. I can guarantee any visually impaired person is not clumsy the world is tackled with caution/care.
I wish I didn't wish/agonize/worry and at times be consumed by fear. I wish that I could be more positive/grateful for at least having had vision. Honestly, I think/know I am mostly focused/consumed with seeing/navigating/watching that I at times forget/miss/don't notice/appreciate the positives. I know I am ungrateful because I feel it's robbed/taken away my independence/youth. Its taken away trust/reliability visually and internally/personally.
And as I stop I just realized it has given me THIS...my passion/love/devotion to the written word. I write. I HAVE to write/feel this, because this is the moment/thoughts that make up who I am/was/can be/will be.
Lastly I know/feel this ultimately makes me a better/open/accepting/fortunate human being. I may consistently write about my vision/sight/darkness/light/shadow but this is the process that saves me from losing my mind, because it's this stuff that makes sense of the world. I've been waiting for the time when my words will dry up/fade/ but while I continue to try and understand the world/people/the heart/my heart I will continue to write/create.
So my monkey can walk the wire with me a little longer....
